Ireland, pt 5: I Lost My Notebook

Look, I'm just going to stop making excuses for not writing. Camp has been controlling my life. But now I'm back on track, so I'm good. It's cool, it's cool! Right?

What's not good is that I lost my notebook. Hey, I don't claim to be a person who can hold on to something for half an hour without losing it in the deep, dark abyss that is my room. I'll try to write from memory, but, as we all know, my memory is crap.

Okay, let's see… Oh! I remember what I did that day! We went back to the Tall Ships Festival and while we was selling CDs, Dean and I got hassled by a small group of ten-year-old Irish boys. It was hilarious!

…

That's all I remember. What else did I do? Think, think…

I think…I woke up. Yes, I'm fairly sure I did that. I remember having breakfast, but…let's just say I had yogurt. When in doubt, I had yogurt for breakfast. That was my staple food in Ireland.

Yogurt.

Yogurt.

Well, after that…I went and picked strawberries! Let's just say I picked strawberries. And while I was picking those strawberries — which tasted really nasty, because I had just brushed my teeth — in came the peacock, over the garden wall!

This story interesting so far? Good.

While I was shying away from said peacock, him ignored me and walked through a clump of vines on the wall.

"Since when were there vines on the wall?"

Aw, crap. The exorcism didn't hold. Shut up a minute, Claudia.

Curious, I followed him and found myself in a glade of pine trees.

"Here we go again…"

Pine trees, yeah? So I followed the peacock to a river, where there was a dock and a tiny boat. I got in the boat with the peacock, and then he bit the rope keeping us by the dock and we sailed down the river. Well, boated. There wasn't a sail.

Later, we drifted to a stop next to a large, gleaming city populated entirely by tiny owls. Owls, yeah. While the peacock and I were walking around the city, it became apparent that the original human inhabitants had all died and disintegrated for some reason.

"Now you're just quoting the synopsis of your original novel idea, the one you dropped in favor of that superhero story."

The peacock and I entered the royal library, where we found a scroll. This scroll explained what happened to the citizens of Pelycis —

"You're going to have to get going if you want to make it back in time to be hassled by small Irish boys."

Oh no, I forgot!

Um, then the peacock turned on me and chased me into a portal, which brought me out in the living room of my cottage. I got dressed and then we went to the Tall Ships Festival. The end.

[DISCLAIMER: None of the above may be true.]

No, Really, I'm Not Dead (Or: My Trip To Ireland: My Own Backyard)

So sorry for not updating you about my absolutely fantastic voyage across the sea. Okay, some parts were a bit less fantastic than others, like when I got lost at the park or being very very very bored at the Guinness Brewery, but some parts really were fantastic, like The Long Room at Trinity College and fresh cheese chips.

Which are French fries in the States, by the way. In case you didn't know. But now you do.

Be warned: This might be a very long post, especially if I decide to try to be funny.

Part one of my journey to the Emerald Isle actually took place in my own proverbial backyard.

Er, my old own proverbial backyard.

Unfortunately, there are no surviving pictures of this stage, so I'm just going to search up pictures on Google Images to illustrate the happenings.

After a four-hour drive and one strawnilla milkshake, I arrived on the doorstep of my awesome friend Emily, who I haven't seen in a while.

Actually, that looks a little bit like us. Just a little bit. Not at all, really.

We played Parcheesi with her brothers, made mini-pizzas, and hung out with our other friend Claire when she arrived. After Other Friend left, Emmers and I fell asleep on the sectional after watching Night at the Museum.

Lessee, what happened the day after that…

Oh, right. Wait, I forget. I remember we went shopping, but everything apart from that and the stuff between the pillow factory and the pirana breeding tank is kind of a blur. But I do remember that the next morning I had toast while watching TV, and then trundled off to the airport, where I spent a lot of time being bored out of my skull.

It wasn't quite that shiny.

We then flew to Newark with the rest of our group, and then spent several more hours sitting around. I ate a pretzel. Almost immediately after getting on the plane, I started messing with the screen and watched some movies. Dinner was better than roast beast compared to usual airplane food (that was a weird analogy…) and there were a lot of good movies. I watched Mythbusters, This Is Spinal Tap, and part of Cars before getting bored.

Before you ask, no, I did not get any sleep. I did listen to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, though.

That doll thing is staring at me…

Next time on Newfallen Mystery, Omnia monologs about sleep deprivation and explains what happened to her phone in the middle of laughing at peacocks. Claudia might put in an appearance.

Barcodes Are Easy

So, I couldn't sleep last night. Partly because of my own 'recklessness' or what-have-you, partly because I knew I had to get up in the morning, so, of course, I couldn't sleep.

BUT! One good thing came out of my insomnia. I can now read barcodes! It's easy, really. Kind of like binary, but not at all. And now I will teach it to you.

…

There are fat black bars, skinny black bars, white fat spaces, and white skinny spaces. The skinny white spaces are just the spaces between the numbers, so don't worry about them.

Skinny black bars represent 0's.
Fat black bars represent 1's.
Fat white spaces represent dashes.

At the beginning and end of every barcode is an asterisk. (Like this: *) Asterisks are represented by a series of bars, or 1's and 0's, that are identical at the beginning and end of the barcode. So, the easiest way to figure these out is to compare the beginning and end of the barcode. Take the fat bar/skinny bar combination from the very end and find an identical combination near the beginning. From that place on back is the asterisk, so you find the matching combination at the end and take those away.

Really, just throw them out. We don't need them. They're on every one.

Now you just have the plain barcode. My advice is to write out the 1, 0, and - combination, and then make a mark every 5 numbers. This doesn't include dashes. Actually, if you do it right, there will be two digits, a dash, and then three digits every time.

The combinations are arranged like this:

• 0 is 00-110
• 1 is 10-001
• 2 is 01-001
• 3 is 11-000
• 4 is 00-101
• 5 is 10-100
• 6 is 01-100
• 7 is 00-011
• 8 is 10-010
• 9 is 01-010

(If I ever get a tattoo, it will be of the above list.)

This is only the most basic and common form of barcodes, and it doesn't work on packaging. You can't read your mail wrappers like this. At least, that's what the Wired website told me. There are a few other kids of barcoding, but my arm started hurting after that, so I just went to bed. 

And now you know. 

Happy Father's Day! *waves random flag*

(*Go back to the instructions, you moron; this isn't a footnote!)

Have I Mentioned That I Have A Cat Today?

Yeah, she's still here. I haven't accidently killed her, gone insane and murdered her, lost her, or sold her for iTunes cards.

"Good Lord."

Okay, that sounded really, really bad. Dark humor, people, I'll be here all week! Or until the Internet dies, whichever comes first!

I'm just going to try this again.

My cat is being a lovely little mollycoddle ("That word makes no sense in context, Omnia."), which here means "the silliest cat I have ever owned. For serious."

"No! It! Doesn't! It means to treat someone very indulgently or protectively, or, as a noun, an effeminate man or boy! Sometimes I think you say things just to spite me!"

Yup. Way to rawr, Claud.

Now that Claudia has curled up in the corner, sobbing over my word choice, I can go on with my post:

Salisbury--that's one of my nicknames for her. Salisbury. 'Cause, you know, her name's Sally. Other nicknames include Puddin', Cat-Cat, Sal, and Holy-Crap-How-Did-You-Do-That-?!

So, Sal's been--

You know what, I never actually planned any content for this post, so…

*end*

(Also, I cannot find my library card. This frightens and upsets me.)

(Also, here is something awesome. It's, like, funny. And stuff.

It's Like Monty Python With Robots

I get to drive four hours with my mom to go to the orthodontist today--*headdesk*--but I'll be back tomorrow.

You know something's wrong when I am awake at 6 AM.

So, I had a really weird dream last night while I was only half asleep after half-waking up at 3 AM. Like, super weird. Even for me.

I don't remember a lot of it, but I think there was a plot kind of like Monty Python's The Holy Grail, except Bender from Futurama was in it. And there was another part that I think had Vendetta from Making Fiends.

I'm not quite as original as I used to be. Maybe it's all the TV I've been watching. If it wasn't for Netflix and Hulu, I would literally go insane.

Speaking of TV, did anyone see the Doctor Who mid-season finale on Saturday? Wait, it hasn't been broadcasted in the states yet.

Okay, here's an awesome thing for today. In case you're wondering, this doesn't count. But I'm still laughing evilly.

I'm sure Claudia has something to say about this, but I don't have enough life force to summon her from the depths of Hel today.

No, that's not a typo. She's Nordic.

Swords & Bridges

[My dad and I crossing a bridge]

Me: If I had a sword, it would be hard to resist the temptation to slice this wire just for fun.

Dad: Then the bridge would fall into the water.

Me: Yeah, but I'd run to the other side before that happened.

Dad: In flip-flops?

Me: Pfft, if I had a sword I wouldn't be wearing flip-flops.

Dad: You can run across the bridge anyway. You don't have to destroy it.

Me: What would be the fun in that?

Dad: 0_o

[I honestly don't know why my parents haven't started tuning out as soon as I say "If I had a sword…"]

The Return Of Stampy

Remember Stampy? The very large stuffed elephant that, until this afternoon, resided in the loft of the cabin? C'mon, somebody has to remember Stampy. Well, Stampy's back! My dad brought him along with a truckload of other stuff this morning. I love him! (Which can be applied to either my dad or the elephant.)

Say hello to the nice people, Stampy.

hellolZZ!

(Stampy typed that message just for you! [By which I mean, I typed it--using his trunk])

Now that Stampy has returned, I can finally start on my plans for world domination! MUAHAHAHAHA!

My Plans As An Evil Overlady

Yes, I do believe that is the correct feminine form of overlord. Or I might just be making this whole thing up, that's for you to decide.

This is what I would do if I became Evil Overlady of the Entire World to make the Earth a near-perfect planet. It kind of hinges on us having terraforming technology and an indestructible dome-making material.

Step 1: Gather the entire human race (and most of the animals and birds and plants and weird oozy stuff from the bottom of the ocean) inside many indestructible domes placed in strategic locations across the planet.

Step 2: Destroy EVERYTHING ELSE. Just blow it up, make a clean slate.

Step 3: Speed-terraform the world back up to the present day, except it was like no humans ever lived there.

Step 4: Return to the earth. Set up houses and workplaces and such in the giant trees that will have grown all over the place. For animals like pigs and cattle and horses that we might need, build treetop stables.

Step 5: For food, use flood planes to farm while the rivers are low, and eat stored food when they are too high. The pigs and cattle mentioned above are for meat supplement. Also, natural nuts and berries and edible flowers are, um, edible as well.

Step 6: Realize how crazy and long this post is and decide to stop. I think I'm going to post a dream now, so I'll see you over on that post. Up and Atom!